We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
