Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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