Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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