I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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