My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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