he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
