The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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