the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
