I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
