the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I can text with my tongue
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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