Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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