I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
