A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
