Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
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