you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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