i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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