my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
