Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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