can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I think my fart just growled at me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
why is half of my head shaved?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
