my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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