so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
There are leaves in my underwear?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
