So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
