moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
my poor anus
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
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