I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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