It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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