Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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