Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
