i just had sex bonerless
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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