Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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