Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
