And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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