Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
