Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
