Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
