Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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