Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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