just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
