he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
