Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
