Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He better not be in your backpack
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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