I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just invented taco cereal.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize