i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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