I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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