i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
