He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
