Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
