oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
