Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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