Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
