We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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