I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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