I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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