Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize