I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
