After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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