I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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