Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
