My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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