by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize