Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
