I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My penis needs a shock collar
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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