I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
