he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
