I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
