And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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