So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
