she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
