You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize