They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
