Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
