Apparently you make a good broom.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
