Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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