I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
whose parrot is this?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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